Disclaimer: This post may be a little much for some (graphic, maybe? Or just gross...) However, since this is a place for me to get a lot of this pregnancy stuff out, I'm going to delve into one of the scariest days of my entire life. I have realized so much in the last few days -- there is simply no way I can leave it unwritten. (Note: This event has a happy ending!)
Just a few days ago, on Saturday, I experienced what appeared to be a little bit of spotting. It's pretty likely it started a little Friday evening, but I was too busy/not too concerned at that time. On Saturday, though, the spotting was a smidge darker, and I was experiencing more of it. I called doctor's office, to speak to one of the on-call OBs. At that point, I really wasn't terribly worried -- I just wanted to be sure it was okay that I wasn't worried, if that makes sense. Once I got to speak to the doctor, she explained there isn't much reason to worry unless the spotting became bright red, or if the volume increased immensely. She said I should set up an appointment to see my doctor on Monday, just to be sure everything checked out. I told her I had seen her just a week prior, but she assured me that it would be best to be seen, and that if anything got worse before then, I should head to the ER. I thought, "Well, no reason for that!" So, I called my doc's office and left a message requesting a quick check-up for Monday.
On Sunday, I woke up to much of the same. I was really hoping it would have just disappeared overnight, but it hadn't. The day went on as normal, and I tried to ease my mind with the words of the on-call doctor -- my symptoms hadn't indicated that I was in need of emergency assistance.
On Monday, everything changed. And when I say change, I mean that suddenly it felt like the whole world was going to swallow me whole.
The morning started out as usual. I have Mondays off, so I stay in bed while Charlie gets ready for work. I emptied my entirely too full bladder very early, and it appeared as though my spotting had maintained it's light regularity. Charlie left for work, and I climbed back into bed for a little while longer. Then, like it's any surprise, I had to use the restroom again. This time, after I went, I was completely shocked when I saw bright read streaks on my toilet tissue. That moment is one I will never forget. I quite literally lost myself for what felt like forever. I immediately called Charlie, but didn't reach him. I jumped in the shower, and I tried to calm down. I could not calm down. I called Charlie again, and when he answered, I couldn't do anything but sob. I can only imagine how much that scared and worried him. But my strong husband calmed me -- he had just gotten to work, and was turning around to come all the way home and to get me to the doc.
I threw on some lounge clothes, and climbed back in bed. I called my boss, still out of my mind, asking her what I should do (she recommended the docs I am currently seeing, and has a great relationship with them). She told me to take it easy, to be sure to try the doc's office again since I hadn't heard back yet. She also made sure I knew that this could be totally normal.
Once I got in touch with the doc's office, Charlie had returned home. The nurse in the office explained to me that I would need have a sonogram in Dr. Rinehart's office in order to figure out what was going on/check on the baby. She had already scheduled an appt for the sonogram, for which I was extremely grateful. To top it off, I only had to wait an hour to be seen. I'm so so so thankful for the doctors I am seeing!
The 20 minutes that Charlie and I spent in the waiting room at the doctor's office were excruciating. Even with the reassurance of others, at that point, the only thing that was going to calm me was the impending sonogram. And even then, I was terrified that the same sonogram could deliver the worst. We were called back, and my fear and concern grew. I got situated on the table, and the technician gooped up my belly. She asked me about the bleeding, and then placed the little sonogram wand on my lower abdomen.
And then we saw our baby. Moving. And his/her heartbeat rang loud and clear at 141 bpm.
This was the part of the day when all of my emotions burst and poured out in uncontrollable sobs. The tech was so sweet and patient. She assured us that everything looked good, but that the doc would come in and review everything. When he did, he said everything really looked just perfect -- the cord insert, placenta, cervix -- it all looked just fine, and didn't appear to be the cause of bleeding. He said that I was experiencing a symptom, but we may not be able to pinpoint the reason -- what he could tell me, was that nothing about the spotting made him worried about our baby. He said that if it were to become more extreme, like everyone else had said, then I would then need to make sure to contact him again. Otherwise, for the time being, I was told to take it easy and see him again in two weeks. Yesterday and today, the spotting appears to be nearing an end.
I can't begin to express the overwhelming feeling of gratefulness and appreciation I have experienced in the last few days. I am immensely blessed! I realize how fortunate I am to be able to say that my baby is healthy and that all is well. I've cried more in the last few days than I have in years -- from fear, exhaustion, excitement, relief...so many emotions! Our baby, our beautiful little baby...is just perfect.
Also, this experience has made it clear to me that these mommy feelings are so normal. This will not be the only time I worry like this. I will worry every day about our baby...from now, until my last day. My duty, as a mother, is to do my best, always, to protect, provide, love, and cherish the life we have been so honored to bring into this world. It is okay to be worried, to be concerned, and to be overwhelmingly overcome by emotion -- this is a beautiful human experience!
Wee one -- I love you so much. Your heartbeat quickens mine. Seeing your movement, your little hands and feet...it all makes me dream about your future. I am so looking forward to holding your little hands and rocking you to sleep. Your daddy and I are thrilled that we are in such good hands and that on the day we meet, you will be blanketed with so much love and care. Also, I must say, your daddy is an amazing man. I can't possibly describe how much he means to me. In my time of need and distress, your daddy stepped up and took care of us. He will be an incredible role model. We are so lucky to have him, sweet Rockaroo.
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